| Author | Message | ||
| Dan Cox
Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 70 Registered: 08-2005 |
Belize (revised) A keel-billed toucan's frowning yellow beak shrieks the torment of tropical breakfast. A woman's moist grip slips around the stingy lid of sweaty, jarred, smirking, mango slices. Her husband sits in his smiley-face necktie and spouts desultory banana facts. She rises, scrapes yolk from plates, squirts Joy, looks out the steaming kitchen window as fat, taunting lemons slowly sway in a drooping-branch dance of exhausted exotics. A thirsty violet dish towel floats to the vinyl floor. She runs outside, hand visoring her eyes, scrutinizes the violet horizon again for that inviting island where an ancient sea sifts breezes through fingers of plump, violet-cheeked children in the dunes. Kind skies spare bunches of lilacs and sweet plums and bowls of homemade blackberry ice cream. She reclines in the clammy grass and waits under a mahogany's shrinking shadow for flocks of wood storks to fetch violet night. (Message edited by dcox56 on September 27, 2005) (Message edited by dcox56 on September 28, 2005) | ||
| Karla Isbell
Member Username: karla Post Number: 84 Registered: 02-2004 |
Dan ~ You did a great job with the challenge...a well-deserved win! This part is, gosh, I can't even find the words...but your words, here, are perfectly chosen: scrutinizing the violet horizon again for that inviting island where an ancient sea sifts breezes through fingers of plump, violet-cheeked children in the dunes. HA, and you used gerunds! (visoring and scrutinizing)  I would omit "the" before "plates" in L7. Perhaps change "dish towel" to "dishrag" or "dishcloth"---this would shorten the line and remove a syllable so that the line flows more smoothly. My best! Karla | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 387 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dan.. Not sure what the challenge incorporates but I can tell you the imagery is very vivid. I loved the ending and how the wood storks fetched the evening... also really liked the thirst dish towel. It took few reads but I was initially confused by the feminine pronouns in S1. The first her refers to the toucan and I thought the ensuing she was also referring to the toucan until I read further. Since you refer to the man as husband, wouldn't it be more consistent and less confusing to allude to the woman as wife? Cary... | ||
| karen
Member Username: trig Post Number: 73 Registered: 09-2005 |
A wonderful poem, I feel the intensity of her emotional state right from the start. | ||
| Dan Cox
Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 73 Registered: 08-2005 |
Karla, Thanks for the comments. I am dropping the "the" you as you suggested. Thanks also for the comments on the "-ing forms." Technically, I do not think these are gerunds because they are not used as nouns; but looking at them made me realize that there is a slight parallelism problem with "scrutinizing," so I'll change that too. Karen, thanks for your kind words. Cary, thanks so much for pointing out the problems with the pronouns.. unclear antecedants have always been a problem in my writing, both poetry and prose.  I'll try to fix that by plugging in "wife" as you suggest. Thanks again. Dan | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3021 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dan, Well done. I wonder about shifting this to : "A woman's moist grip slips. . ." Then later, "Her husband. . . " The use of 'Wife/Husband' felt a little choppy. Love the ending line--really well done. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Dan Cox
Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 74 Registered: 08-2005 |
Lisa, I think you are right husband/wife is a little choppy, doesn't really flow w/ the rest of it. thanks. | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5336 Registered: 11-1998 |
I loved it when I selected it as the winner, Dan, and I love it just as much now. Yes, definitely an exemplary piece. You outdid yourself with this one! | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1902 Registered: 08-2003 |
You've managed to combine color, wit and wisdom all in one piece. The nits have disappeared from the good hands of others. I'm here to enjoy as much as I did through the first read. This one of my favorite lines.... Her husband sits in his smiley-face necktie and spouts desultory banana facts.  E | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1277 Registered: 11-2003 |
excellent poem Dan, a masterpiece really peace laurie |
